Three Birds, One Stone
by Zevus
Summary: Mal has a headache, caused by Saffron. He wants Inara, but Simon keeps getting in the way. He can solve all his problems with the help of one person, but are they trustworthy? And most importantly, is it worth it?


**Author's Unimportant Note: My first Firefly fic! Yay! Well, first independent Firefly fic. I think I have a crossover. Anyway, it's cracky, like always. I got the idea when they added Saffron to the character list and there wasn't a lot of fics about her. How the fuck does that happen? Read and enjoy, my friends.**

* * *

><p>Mal collapsed on his bed, feeling a headache creeping its way to his skull. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, grimacing at the thought that Simon, of all people, didn't have his beloved Tylenol. Mal usually carried it himself, but Simon borrowed it to ease Jayne's pain after a particularly bad job. Bad idea. He never got it back.<p>

_"But clever and handsome captain, I thought I gave it back to you?" Simon scrubbed his womanly hands, blinking his long eyelashes lovingly at the masculine captain._

_Mal frowned. "Um, no." He picked at some grime on his pistol, bored out of his mind._

_Simon matched his frown. "Well, Jayne must have used it all or something. I don't have no idea where the bottle is. Oops!" He stopped, raised his fingers to his mouth, and giggled. "Bad grammar. Book been teaching me gangsta."_

_Mal sighed and trudged out. "Forget about it. It's not worth standing here and listening to this gorram crap." He growled, bumping into Kaylee as he walked out. Her face was flushed and she had strawberries. Oh god._

Mal pounded his head, groaning in a non-sexual manner.

Would you like to know how the captain came to have this headache?

No, it wasn't Inara's complaints. No, it wasn't Kaylee's cheerfulness. It wasn't even Shepherd's preachings. It was, my friends, our dear friend Saffron. Allow me to elaborate.

_Mal woke up to the feminine screech of his pilot, Wash. He shot up, instantly alert._

_"SHE'S BACK. OH MY GOD SHE'S BACK."_

_Mal stumbled out of his room and into the cargo bay, still shirtless from his slumber. In fact, his fruit of the loom boxers was the only piece of clothing he possessed. Sexy. His hair was messy, and he had a bit of stubble._

_Saffron perched on one of the catwalks, one leg folded across the other. In her hands she held Jayne's adored gun Vera, cocked and spread across her lap. As the crew, including Inara, ran into the cargo bay, they saw Wash in one of his hideous Hawaiian shirts pointing up at the redhead. He had a look of pure terror plastered across his face, and was locked in a squatting position._

_Mal instantly took a toga handed to him by Book and spread it across his chest, making him decent. "Saffron!" He boomed. "I thought we had seen the last of you." He glanced casually at River, who was climbing the catwalk like a ninja, sneaking up on Saffron._

_"Nope. Nope nope nope." She shook her head, laughing. As she did, the gun accidentally fired, hitting a cargo box. Zoe looked at the tag on it._

_"It says it holds a 'Private Tracey.' Were we supposed to pick up this type of product?"_

_Mal shrugged. "Dunno. Dump it."_

_Meanwhile, Saffron was in a fistfight with a hyper River Tam. The two tumbled down the stairs, Saffron hitting the ground with a hard thud and River landing on top of her. The gun skyrocketed a few feet away, but nobody picked it up. Saffron wriggled out of the young girl's grasp and retrieved the gun. She pointed it at Mal's broad chest. "I will end you, Reynolds."_

_He held up his hands. "Now, that don't seem like a wise idea, sweetheart." His toga fell to reveal his chest once again, covered by a layer of luscious brown curls. Saffron stared, and looked as if she might stop before she pulled out a megaphone._

_"ATTENTION ALLIANCE. I HAVE RIVER TAM RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME. COME AND GET HER."_

_"Um, the Alliance can't hear you." Inara deadpanned, eyeing the captain. Saffron glared._

_"Whatchu mean? The voices can. And they're the Alliance." She laughed. "DIE, BITCHES!"_

_She pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. The gun was empty. Everyone stared at her, slowly closing in. Saffron, in a last minute panic attempt, threw the gun at Mal's head._

_Thus, the headache came to be._

Mal rolled over when he heard another person enter. It was Inara, swiftly followed by Simon. Simon had a needle in one hand, disinfectant in the other. They pretended Mal wasn't in the room.

"Well, um, Inara. I'm sorry, but I guess I'll have to give you your flu shot right here." He glanced swiftly at Mal, then quickly looked away. "It's the kind that goes in the ass, too."

Inara was a somewhat better actress, but she faked orgasms for a living. "Well, Simon, I guess that will just have to do. I guess I should pull my skirt down now." Inara grabbed the band of her skirt.

Mal growled. "If you really want me to see your ass, just do it. I have a headache, and your act is horrible." He flipped back over, stuffing his pillow in his face. The sound of his door closing could be heard. He sighed softly when he felt feminine hands stroke his side. "'Nara..."

"No, Simon..." The figure corrected him lovingly. Mal suddenly got up, slapping Simon's hand away. Inara had left.

"Get out!" He roared, clawing at Simon's slim figure. Simon ran out crying, heading to what Mal thought to be Jayne's bunk. He sighed again as he thought of the beautiful companion stroking his...never mind.

_"Malcolm, what are we doing?"_

_Mal rubbed his head, a bruise starting to form. "Throwing Saffron out of the ship?" He replied, somewhat dazed. Inara rolled her eyes, further minimizing the gap between her and her sexy piece of meat._

_"No, I meant us, as in you and me." She let her eyes travel down the length of his body. Damn, she was good at this. When he didn't reply, she let her hand tenderly run across his bare chest, stopping just below the belly button. He stopped tending to his head and looked deep into her brown eyes, opening his mouth slightly. They stood like that for maybe a minute, her hand on his abdomen, their eyes locked._

_"HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT? IT'S SIIIIIIIIIIIIIMON!" The doctor popped out from behind a wall, and noticing the two, backed away, blushing and smiling. "Oh, sorry. I didn't see you guys. I'll just leave now..."_

_The moment was totally, horribly, unforgettably ruined._

Mal fell into a deep slumber, not waking for three days and three nights. When he finally woke up, the headache was still there.

He needed to find a way to get rid of his headache, woo a companion, and kill a doctor. Who would guess that he only needed one thing to do all three.

Saffron.


End file.
